Little Yellow Book: The True Secrets
by SuperKirbyLand234
Summary: Squidward discovers Spongebob's diary and starts reading it, but the secrets he finds within it aren't so happy. In fact, as he reads, he learns about another side to Spongebob he didn't think could exist. And probably didn't want to exist. (Humanized AU. Rated T for themes of self harm).


(Disclaimer: I do not own Spongebob Squarepants; all credit goes to the original creator Steven Hillenburg, may he rest in peace and God bless him and Nickelodeon. Please support the official release).

(Side Note: This is a Humanized AU)

~Little Yellow Book: The True Secrets~

Squidward thought it was going to be a slow day as he looked upon the empty dining area of the Krusty Krab, but as he proceeded to lie down in his boat to relax with a fan and a glass of juice, a customer abruptly popped up asking if he worked there. Spitting his drink in surprised annoyance, Squidward stood up to see the long line of people standing in front of him.

"Well, there goes my nap. Multiple orders up! Sponge... Bob! SpongeBob! Where are you?! You need to get out here and make those Krabby Patties", Squidward called out but the little yellow haired fellow was nowhere to be found. He burst into the kitchen and looked around until he heard a whimpering noise from a barrel. Peering into a hole in the side of the barrel, he saw his coworker sitting in the barrel scribbling in a book, letting out an occasional whimper.

Squidward had shouted into the barrel using a megaphone to get Spongebob's attention, the loud noise scaring him out of the barrel. "Get it together, SpongeBob! The dining room is full of ravenous customers!", he said as he gestured to the customers outside in the dining area, who were literally behaving like ravenous wild animals due to their hunger.

Spongebob hurriedly placed the book he held into the barrel and proceeded to make the krabby patties; for a split second, Squidward had noticed that there were bandages wrapped around his forearms, but he shrugged it off as Spongebob having injured himself in the kitchen or his pet had bitten him. As Spongebob went about to serve the krabby patties to the customers, Squidward looked into the barrel, picking up the book.

Before he had a chance to see what it was, Spongebob saw him and quickly snatched the book away, placing it near the French fry fryer; Squidward was surprised by this as he had known that Spongebob was always willing to share anything and everything with him, but this book apparently was one of them. As Spongebob continued to serve the customers, Squidward picked up the book and looked at it questioningly, "If SpongeBrain is keeping the book away from me, then I have no choice but to read it", he said with a smirk.

Spongebob finally came back into the kitchen, took the book from Squidward's hand and sat on the barrel, writing in the book again. Squidward observed him from his boat, thinking to himself, "There he goes again, scribbling away in that little book. I must admit, my curiosity is peaked... I guess I'm "peaked" to "peek" at that book. Oh, puns", he mused.

Squidward then thought of a way to get Spongebob out of the way so he could read the book, "Hey, SpongeBob, you need to make a delivery. The address is on the bag", he said as he handed Spongebob a paper bag. Spongebob took the supposed order and left the restaurant; once he was gone, Squidward went into the kitchen and reached into the barrel, pulling out the book.

He was shocked when he saw what it was, "It's a diary! Oh-ho-ho. This is gonna be good. Huh? Drat, it's locked", he said when he realized it was locked and needed a key to open, "Hmm. I need a hairpin". Squidward snuck into Mr. Krabs office and pulled a hairpin from his his head, returning to his boat; he used the hairpin to open the diary, it took some effort but the lock finally came undone and the diary opened. "And now... the diary of a moron", said Squidward as he began reading the diary.

_"Dear diary, what an amazing day I've had. This morning I was greeted by my nearest and dearest neighbor, Squidward. He had some very important news he was just bursting to share. He had decided that today would be the perfect day to deliver his profound opinions on how to properly raise and care for a household pet, specifically, what not to feed them. The list was very thorough. Needless to say, this is all very enlightening; It warms my heart to know that Squidward thinks we're close enough to use the harshest words in his critique-_

_"Okay, I...I just can't! I can't keep lying to myself, here's what really happened: Squidward called me and screamed at me over the phone, I went over to his house and he opened the door to show me that Gary had snuck out of the house, went to his and began chewing on some of his stuff. Squidward just shoved Gary into my arms and continued to yell and scream until Gary bit his finger, forcing us to cut our conversation short._

_"I headed to work an hour and a half earlier because it was Cleaning Day, a.k.a the worst day for me at work. Why? Because my cheap, lazy sack of garbage of a boss just sat there reading a newspaper while I scrubbed every inch of the floor by myself, and then he used me as a chimney sweep. But hey, I can deal with it, as long as he's not hitting me or calling me 'a miserable failure', its fine"._

Squidward was taken aback by the diary entry, it started out as what he assumed Spongebob would write in a diary, but he was prepared for the out of nowhere dark turn the entry took. Squidward thought Spongebob had respected and admire Mr. Krabs like a father, but the diary entry said the exact opposite, it was almost like Squidward wrote it. Concerned, he flipped to an earlier entry and began reading.

_"Dear diary, I...I had the nightmare again. The one where I'm just sitting in darkness while I can hear the voices of those I care about tell me that I'm worthless and that I'll never amount to anything. I didn't wake up screaming this time but...I did go back into the bathroom and I...did cut myself again. It doesn't really hurt anymore, it actually felt good. But I knew better so I patched myself up and went downstairs to watch tv until I fell asleep again. I think I need to call my therapist and tell her I'm still having problems"._

Now Squidward was slightly horrified, he always saw Spongebob happy and cheerful and always smiling but learning that he had frequent nightmares, cut himself and saw a therapist often enough that he had her number on speed dial left him with a tight, twisting feeling in his guts.

"Oh, Squidward! You are gonna laugh when you hear what I've... been..."

Squidward saw that Spongebob had returned from the fake delivery and he quickly dropped down and hid himself as he came up to the register. "Squidward? Where are you? Could have sworn I just saw him", said Spongebob as he looked around for him. Squidward immediately popped up with the diary hidden inside his work hat and handed him a plunger and a wire clothes hanger.

"SpongeBob, uh, one of the customers dropped his watch in a toilet, and I need you to fish it out", he said. Spongebob quietly took the plunger and hanger and went into the bathroom; once he was gone, Squidward opened the diary and flipped to another entry.

_"Dear diary, I went to see my therapist and it turns out that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, brought on by the abuse and bullying I endured during my early childhood. I can't say she's wrong: at school when I was a kid, the others would mock me constantly, calling me things like "weakling", "crybaby", "wimp" and so on. And while their verbal abuse took a toll on my mind, the physical abuse I suffered at the hands of my cousin Blackjack took a toll on my body._

_"My cousin Blackjack would always push me around and beat me up when we were kids, often leaving me with injuries but since I'm such a pitiful coward, I never said anything to my parents or my uncle about it; I used to think it was because I didn't want to get Blackjack in trouble but over time, I realized its because I was terrified he'd beat me up for telling on him._

_"I don't blame my parents for not doing anything about the abuse I suffered because I never told them, my parents love me and I know if I told them the truth, they would've done something about it but I kept it to myself for fear that my bullies would find out and hurt me even more. Sweet Neptune, I'm such a coward!"_

Squidward felt a twinge of sorrow in the depths of his heart, these diary entries were showing him a secret side of Spongebob he never saw and it both frightened and saddened him. He flipped to another entry and read it.

_"Dear diary, it's been three and a half months since my last panic attack and I'm actually happy. Ever since my therapist told me there two triggers I had brought on from my PTSD, hearing the phrase 'little man' and seeing the color red, it didn't struck me as surprising. Blackjack called me 'little man' all the time especially when he'd beat me up, usually saying I needed to toughen up and be a man; he'd punch me in the nose so much that it would bleed for several minutes._

_"The sight of my own blood always made me feel sick, and so the color red became my PTSD trigger. But I've managed to avoid both my triggers: I don't really see Blackjack that much anymore so there's no worries of him calling me 'little man', and even though I'm around red ketchup bottles, tomatoes, the red tables in the dining area and Mr. Krabs red hair while I'm at work, I've managed to keep my cool_.

_"Those breathing exercises really helped and even if Mr. Krabs is a cheap and selfish person, he's never made me fear for my safety and I definitely know I can't be harmed by ketchup bottles, tomatoes and tables, so...I think I'll be fine. Gary has been helping me a lot too; at this point, he's the only one who knows about my condition so I don't have to worry about him letting anyone know, and he's done a wonderful job being my therapy animal. Sometimes when I'm alone, I randomly break down and cry, but having Gary sit on my lap and purr while I pet his shell makes me feel better"._

Squidward looked at the diary entry with a saddened expression, "The color red triggers panic attacks in Spongebob? I can only imagine how hard it is for him to function while he's here at work", he said to himself. "Hey buddy, if you're done talking to yourself, I'd like to place my order", said a random customer who stood in front of the register.

"Did someone say 'red'? Why I just love the color, I just got me new kilt today. Isn't it a nice shade of red?", said Mr. Krabs as he had spontaneously appeared wearing the kilt. Squidward suddenly felt a growing sense of dread in the pits of his stomach when he saw the kilt and then heard the bathroom door open; Spongebob stepped out of the bathroom holding a tire, umbrella, guitar, anchor, and Old Man Walker.

"I couldn't find that watch anywhere. All I found was this stuff-"

"I fell in", said Old Man Walker.

"And this guy", said Spongebob.

Squidward was tempted to tell Spongebob not to look at the kilt Mr. Krabs was wearing, but that would've revealed that he was reading the diary. "Spongebob, me boy, what do you think of me new kilt?", he asked. Spongebob took one look at the kilt before his eyes widened and he began sweating profusely, he dropped the random items and the old man as he grabbed his chest and started hyperventilating. "I need to take my break!", he shouted as he ran out the back door.

Mr. Krabs stood there in frustrated confusion, "Well, you didn't have to be nasty about it!", he grumbled before heading back to his office. Squidward had to keep himself from punching Mr. Krabs in the face after hearing him say that, "Stupid cheapskate, if you knew the truth, you wouldn't be so dismissive", he said to himself as he climbed out of his boat and went towards the back of the restaurant. Through a window, he could see Spongebob sitting by the back door, trying to relax his breathing.

"5...6...7...8...9...10", he counted as his breathing finally slowed down to a normal rate. Spongebob then pulled a bottle of bubble soap from his pocket and began blowing bubbles. Squidward assumed this is what he normally did to calm down from a panic attack, he decided not to bother him and went back to the register. He took that customer's order, and then went back to read more of the diary; he didn't want to continue to violate Spongebob's privacy but he wanted to know how much worse his condition was.

_"Dear diary, I...I feel so alone, I know that I have friends but even so, I feel like I'm all by myself. I'm don't mean to speak ill of my friends but I don't think I can connect with them anymore. Patrick...I don't wanna be mean, but he's as dumb as a box of wood chips and when I'm around him, I feel as though my own brain is going explode from frustration. I know he was always like that but lately it feels like it's gotten worse, and not only that, it feels as if he's turned into a bully too and that hurts me dearly._

_"And then there's Sandy, at first spending time with her was fun; it was cool knowing she liked karate just like me and to be honest, even though it was painful, I liked working out with because I felt like she could toughen me up and give me a spine. But now, it's like all she cares about is her career as a scientist; every time I go to her home, she's working on a new experiment and every time...she always uses me as her lab rat._

_"I don't know what happened to the two of them, but it seems like they've changed drastically over the years and I...I don't like it. The only one of my friends to stay the same is Squidward. I'm not a moron, I know he doesn't like me but he doesn't know that the real reason I'm always bugging him is because I want what he has: Squidward lives a quiet life, it doesn't take much to keep him happy and he actually has dreams and aspirations._

_"He wants to be a famous artist and clarinetist, that's more than I can say for myself. The reason I act like working at the Krusty Krab is some great honor is because I can't do anything else; I can't even name all the times I've been fired and tried to get a new job only to find out that I can't do anything except make krabby patties, and then Mr. Krabs hired me back because without me his business will tank._

_"Squidward always whines about being stuck working at the Krusty Krab for the rest of his life, but he doesn't know how bright his future is. If he keeps practicing and getting better, he'll be an amazing clarinetist, and his artwork will be loved and admired by many for years. If anyone is going to be stuck working at a fast food restaurant for the rest of their life, it was me!_

_"I can't do anything except make krabby patties and any dreams I had were all squashed years ago and I don't even remember any of them. Its because of this that I don't quit nor do I...ever try to end it all. I can't do anything else, but I don't want to be the reason Mr. Krabs falls into the grasp of poverty. So I guess I'm stuck but its fine, I don't really care anymore._

_"I am happy for Squidward though, I know he doesn't like me but I still think of him as a friend because he represents everything I want and wish I could be. He has no idea how much I respect him and I don't think I'll ever have the courage to tell him the truth. I just hope that one day he'll realize that I don't mean to hurt or pester him, I just want him to share that good life he's got"_.

Squidward sighed as he closed the diary and stuck it back into the barrel inside the kitchen, acting as if he never saw it in the first place. Spongebob finally came back in and began working on the orders, while Squidward stood contemplating everything he had just read; there was a side to Spongebob that he had never seen nor considered existing, a side that was tormented by painful childhood memories.

A side that desperately tried to hold together and was barely succeeding, he knew now that Spongebob's happy and joyful demeanor was really a cover up for his true feelings and now...Squidward knew the true reason why he had bandages wrapped around his arms.

The work day went by pretty normally; after closing time, Spongebob and Squidward walked down the usual path that led back home. Squidward could see the diary sticking out of the back pocket of Spongebob's pants, meaning he took it from the barrel before he left. When they got to their houses, Spongebob turned to Squidward, "Well...goodnight Squidward. I'll see you tomorrow", he said with a sad smile before going into his house.

Squidward couldn't help himself, as soon as the door closed and locked, he slowly approached the house and looked in through the window; he saw Spongebob pet Gary before going to feed him, after feeding his beloved pet, he went to sit on the couch and watch tv. All the while, he had faint tears in his eyes as if he'd start crying at any moment.

Squidward tried to return to his house, but he knew it was irresponsible and wrong to just leave Spongebob alone, especially after learning about all he went through and the pain he was forced to endure. Against his better judgment, Squidward knocked on the door to Spongebob's house; after three minutes, Spongebob opened the door and looked up at his neighbor with teary eyes. "Squidward? What are you doing here?", he asked.

Squidward sighed, "I...just...thought you'd might like to have some company. So what do you say?", he said. Spongebob, without hesitation, let Squidward into his house; Squidward sat on the couch while Spongebob went into the kitchen, he came back two minutes later with a bowl of popcorn and two mugs. He set each mug on the side tables on either side of him and Squidward and sat on the couch, with the bowl of popcorn perched upon his lap.

They both sat there watching TV Westerns while absentmindedly taking handfuls of the popcorn, out of the corner of his eyes, Squidward could see that the bandages wrapped around Spongebob's arms had small stains of blood as if the wounds were fresh. The bandages also had a few grease stains, meaning something at work must've aggravated his cuts and caused them to reopen. "Spongebob, do you have a first aid kit?", asked Squidward.

"Yeah, upstairs in the bathroom, in the cabinet under the sink", he said. Squidward stood up and walked upstairs to the bathroom, he retrieved the first aid kit as well as grabbed a wet washcloth and returned downstairs. When Squidward sat back on the couch, Spongebob reluctantly presented his arms to him; he knew Squidward noticed that the bandages were dirty and needed to be changed, especially considering how itchy they were at work and how Spongebob aggravates his cuts by scratching at them, and even though he didn't want to explain how he got them he did want to treat them quickly.

Squidward slowly and gently pulled the old bandages off, revealing Spongebob's forearms which were riddled with small yet deep cuts; some were spread out while others were made closer together almost forming crosses. Spongebob sheepishly looked away from his arms as he felt tears prick the corners of his eyes, but his attention was brought back when Squidward cleared his throat.

"You don't have to tell me how you got these cuts, just sit still and let me take care of them and...you", he said in a rather low yet kind voice. Spongebob didn't stop the tears that fell as he watched Squidward clean the cuts with the wet washcloth, then he applied antibacterial cream to them and wrapped bandages around them. He got up to put the first aid kit back and threw the bloody washcloth into the laundry basket before heading back downstairs.

When Squidward sat back down on the couch, he saw Spongebob sitting on his knees, tears spilling from his eyes and yet he had the biggest smile on his face, and somehow...Squidward knew it wasn't forced. "T-t-thank y-y-you, Squidward", he stammered. Squidward gave him a genuine smile in return, "Anything for a...a friend", he said.

Spongebob wiped away his tears as he sat down next to Squidward, this time his coworker gently placed his left arm around his shoulders and allowed him to lay his head against his; Spongebob, for the first time, felt his heart swell with overwhelming happiness but out of respect for Squidward he decided to keep it all in so as not to overstep his boundaries and instead took comfort in the position he sat in.

Halfway through one of the TV Western specials, Spongebob had fallen asleep, his head occasionally bobbing forward; Squidward, even though it made him feel just the tiniest bit awkward, carefully moved him into a position where he was lying down with his head on his lap. He looked upon Spongebob's sleeping face and saw how peaceful he looked, a small smile graced his features as he calmly breathed in and out through his nose.

Squidward smiled at this before turning back to watch the tv, he decided that he would wait until the day where he would tell Spongebob that he knew all about his secrets. He would wait until Spongebob was comfortable enough to start the conversation so he could bring it up, but now wasn't the best time for that. The little fellow was simply too emotionally sensitive to discuss such things, and finding out Squidward read his diary behind his back now would only make his condition worse.

So Squidward decided to wait until the time was right. For now, he was going to help Spongebob however he could; he'd be a rock for him to ground himself, a shoulder to cry on, a friendly understanding ear that would listen. It was clear from the diary entries exactly what Spongebob truly wanted and needed: a friend who would understand and help him, who wouldn't judge him and who wouldn't fault him for not wanting to face the world all alone.

And right now, Squidward Tentacles was that friend.

Author's Note: I thought about this one-shot after watching some Spongebob Squarepants reviews, with the episode "Little Yellow Book" being brought up a few times, so I decided to write my version of the episode. And let's be honest: it probably would've been a better episode if it went this route. Anyway let me know what you guys think in the review box; I've been bouncing around different projects since I haven't had much free time lately and my brains been storming. See you around, this is SuperKirbyLand234 signing out!


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